Dear Class of 2012,
As we gather here today on this great lawn/auditorium/cafetorium/function hall/Elks Lodge, I look at a sea of people I could have babysat. I mean Jesus. My version of "illegally downloading music" is when you used to hold a tape recorder up to your stereo at the ready incase Z104 played that Envogue song which you would inevitably miss the first 15 seconds of and/or someone would come in the room and start talking thus messing up your track. Did you know Oregon Trail wasn't always an app on Facebook? We had to ford the river with our scurvy or dysentery. Also I never understood why you could only carry back 100 lbs of meat. Why not get one of those lazy ass kids of yours to help?
You will leave these hallowed halls/overflow trailers/internet classrooms with hopes of landing your dream job. Look, I'm gonna be straight with you. 1% of you will actually hold a job that relates to your major. The rest of you will become administrative assistants. I'm looking at you theater/communication grads. Don't go weeping into your PBR. You'll get to where you're supposed to be, but honestly, it's going to take a while. Much like Freshman year of college you will face times of being the new kid, finding your class, now meeting, goof off buddy and you will gain weight. I swear it's like life knows you crossed over some predetermined age where you're not allowed to be a cute collegiate anymore and life is determined to not let you rock cut off shorts and sorority baby Ts (just dated myself). You will follow ANY end of the day, once class now meeting, with beers. You will still have roommate's, but Sallie Mae will not be picking up the heating bill so go buy as many collegiate sweatshirts as you can before your student ID discount expires because that will now be your heating source.
Group projects don't go away with graduation. You will still have "group projects" in the real world, but now you just look like a real d-bag when you run like a 4 year old to your boss because Erwin from accounting won't stop playing CafeWorld long enough to do his Power Point slide. Take that amazing talent and morph it into a manipulative skill that sets Erwin up. I had friends in middle school that were so good at this they researched rival student's science fair project topics for RIDICULOUSLY complicated questions to ask in front of judges and teachers just to see them squirm. Vindictive? Yes. But honestly we would have all rather been playing Bejewled... or Oregon Trail. And most of them are in politics now so...
Abbrevs. Stop. Nothing makes you look like more of an asshat than sending this in an email, "We totes had that account. Obvi, IMHO, Erwin messed it up. WTF Erwin?! Evry1 else, KUTGW. TTYL143." *Note: I had to google half of these.
Foods you should stop eating now: Hot Pockets, anything in a wrap stuffed with items from more than 3 of the major food groups, anything from a vending machine/quickie-mart/street vendor. Your late 20's gastro-intestine will thank you.
If you are hipster I would like you to line up on the right side of the stage. We will be confiscating your "retro" glasses with no lenses, anything flannel (that died with Cobain), all hair products that you use a ridiculous amount of to make your hair look like you did nothing to it and any "old school" media. You look like an idiot.
Overweight girls that wear the following: baby Ts, pants with writing on the butt, sleeveless anything, white pants, and metal upper arm bands (most of you are wearing them as bracelets....). Line up behind the hipsters.
Clothing: Dress like you don't buy everything at Forever 21.
Money: Get used to not having it.
Friends: BFF is a load of shit.
Now. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. This part will be fun. You'll have your own apartment (still with roommates, but at least your fate is not in the hands of campus housing). You should probably get REALLY good at writing passive agressive notes. Then you can post them to the web, become internet famous and solve the money problem for a hot sec because we all know the possible tv show "Sh*t My Roommate's Say or Do That Inspire Passive Aggressive Notes" is going to die after the pilot.
You will succeed at something. Some of you will be amazing at-home moms- please limit your posts of "Timmy Eating Applesauce" to less than 400 pictures. Some of you will become business men/women and we will secretly hate you for your business lunches that include liquid lunch on an expense account. Some of you are going to work for the MBTA and for that I'm assuming you punched a kitten at some time in your life and this is payback.
The point is: Make friends with a really good bartender. Don't buy furniture/massage services off craigslist. Don't expect to be Director of Awesomeness and Head Blogger at your first job, but don't settle for a life of post-its and board packets.
In closing, Class of 2012, I leave you with this. Live your life like Oregon Trail. Don't be a lazy ass kid. Carry your fare share of the meat. Always be the banker. And when it comes time to write the epitaph for your tombstone make sure they use the word toot because everyone laughs at gas humor.
<drops mike to a standing ovation>
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