Thank you for calling . Our hours…. Ma’am are you listening? Because I can pretty much guarantee you’re not listening to this portion and will leave a ranting message about how we aren’t answering the phones at 6am. Our hours are 10am-5pm Monday through Friday. Our performances start promptly and aren’t delayed due to: “the green line being a bitch”, “Red Sox game let out all over me”, “toe cramps”, “low blood sugar due to Dunkin’ being out of crullers”, “facebook ads lied to you about free parking in Boston” or “Walk for a Cure for Restless Leg Syndrome”. Be advised we will put you on hold if you begin our call with the following: “I’ve been a subscriber for …” or “Oh, good an actual human being!” or “What’s your name?” or “My show is tonight and I want to exchange despite your exchange policy as I donated $5 in 1981”. Our performances last as long as it takes you to sit in your seat so pee and sit the hell down. To keep things short: No, we don’t have any better seats- the seats we list for you are the best as we want to keep our interactions to the length of a prison phone call. All stories about the last time you saw this show or this performer are best accepted in email for to spam@company.org. Don’t ask to be upgraded to orchestra seating due to using crutches as I saw you chasing down a sales clerk at Filene’s yesterday yelling that you didn’t get your AARP discount. Thank you for calling, though you probably were yelling at your husband during this whole message about something or other and heard none of this, and we look forward to hearing your message of you saying, “Hello? Harold, I’m waiting for the beep. Did it beep? It’s 5:25am and I’m calling to find out the dates for your shows 3 years from now because we’re planning a trip. This is Mrs. Smith. I’m in your system.”
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