An Open Letter to the Big JC

Hey Lord,

What's up? You areeeeee. Lol, I know, it's getting old. Anywhoz, I just wanted to chitter chat about a couple things with ya.

1. Can we talk about the weather in New England? It's like weather by Sybil. I know you're probs pissed at Sarah Palin for blaming it on you (ref: "It's just God hugging us closer") and then there's global warming... we don't have to get into that now... but for ser I moved up North to not sweat during the summer months like a gay republican in church and I wanted a freakin' picturesque winter wonderland during the colder months, but instead it's 40 degrees and the wind is blowing harder than William Hung's Christmas Album.

2. People who "power grunt" while running on the treadmill at the gym. I'm all for psyching up to keep yourself motivated, but if you need to holler so loudly to keep yourself going that it causes the pregnant lady on the stairmaster to start having contractions you may want to seek alternate methods.

3. Leg warmers are in fashion again.. I'm just gonna leave it at that... you know where this is headed.

4. Metabolism decreasing as we get older. It is hard enough that I am 5+ years older than most people I hang out with (and those friends that are my age or older, just claim to be in this category of friends- you'll feel better) and that most of them don't get any references to Alf, Jane Curtin, 9 to 5 or Simon and Garfunkle. That's fine. I'll deal with it. But once you pass 25 and gray hairs start growing, getting out of bed is a process as you walk like a newborn deer until 10am and eating a mini Snickers bar sends you into a spiral of weight gain that Oompa Loompa's follow you around waiting for the word to roll you away is just rough. Not cool. Can we do like a penance thing to balance this out like we do in confession? Like if I eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, but I unload the dishwasher for my parents without them asking me things could just cancel each other out? Think about, I feel all would benefit from this... especially my hips. My jeans thank you.

5. I completely agree with giving notice at a job you're leaving as it is a good professional policy to give them time to look for a replacement as well as finish up projects, but Lord? Why are the last 2 weeks always so unbearably awkward? It feels like a bad breakup with a significant other, but you still have to live with them. And then why do they take so long to tell everyone, but you aren't aloud to talk about it until they do? Everyone knows about it, but isn't talking about it. It's like a fart in church- sorry to hit so close to home... heyoooo.

6. The MBTA... ... ...

7. Lastly (at least for this letter), I would like to end on a positive note. Thank you for Tina Fey, Kristin Chenoweth, Chick-fil-a, Coke slupees, buy-one-get-ones, Netflix, SNL (1976-79, 1997-1999 and 2004-2007), Neil Patrick Harris, Idina Menzel & Taye Digg's baby (aka will be either the most beautiful/talented baby on earth or the biggest ball of hot mess since Carrie Fisher), goat cheese, Trader Joe's $3 Chuck, Aaron Sorkin (West Wing & Studio 60 should be shown to all entertainment writers so they can never say they didn't know any better when they churn out crap like 'Two and a Half Men') & anything made out of fleece.

TTYL,

K

I Went To The Gym On a Holiday So Suck It

Since it is a holiday and we got places to be and things to eat... Today's post is a collective of best of Facebook posts (please overlook the egotistical nature of this post and bask in the glow of the fact I'm basically phoning this one in):

‎"I'm training for the NYC 1/2 Marathon." ... "Oh, well I'm training for the Jack Daniel's Classic 2010."

Hey crazy lady on the red line, don't harass the girl scouts selling cookies in the station... those cookie dealers are doing God's work. March 2 at 4:23pm

When you switch from working in the arts to software the words "development" and "script" no longer mean the same thing. March 18 at 2:41pm

Guys... it's Friday... I'm gonna make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here... make like a loaf of French bread and baguette... make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here. March 19 at 4:31pm

So Char and I were hanging out by the docks in Quincy today and decided if we had a boat we would name it "Your Mom". Think about it, "We spent all day scrapping the barnacles off Your Mon." Please feel free to contribute. April 3 at 5:14pm

While waiting in line for our megabus, two girls walk like they are about to cut us. Cue Meg: You know I will shank a bitch if she tries to cut us in line.

Charlotte and I on the vet visit for Batman this afternoon. Charlotte: We stormed in there with him smelling like pee and screaming, those poor vet techs. Me: That's probably what Wal-Mart workers feel everyday. May 5 at 7:36pm

You know how you want to 'like' something, but you know it's gonna be hella popular and everyone and their mom are going to comment on it and then your email will explode with comments you don't care about, but you don't want to turn off that notification b/c what if someone comments on some other witty remark you made... on your friend's page and you like having your sense of humor ego stroked? May 28 at 11:56am

God created Saturn... and he liked it... so he put a ring on it. June 2 at 9:11pm

I may not be able to attend Pride this year b/c we'll be in the Outer Banks, but I'll tell you what I will be doing on Sunday night. TONY'S. It's like the gay Super Bowl only Double Covereage is a little different. June 10 at 11:48am

Me: Guys, what if I were a DJ?
Charlotte: I could see you, "Hey guys, I know this is a rock station, but I'm gonna play a little Patti LuPone." June 28 at 10:34pm

Making sticky buns from scratch is not for the faint of heart nor for those that value sleep like it's a kid with their halloween stash and dad comes in and says, "I need to check it to make sure it's safe", but you really know he's gonna boost your Butterfingers and Fun Dip. July 1 at 5:40am

Hey. You guys remember that time we could walk outside of your apartment not sweat your makeup off in less than thirty seconds and be so drenched in sweat that it looked like you did jumping jacks in the attic, but really all you did was tie your shoe? Me too. July 18 at 10:17am

I need a good piano bar after today. Nothing fixes a crappy day better than belting a showtune while drinking the house specialty drink "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sangria". July 19 at 6:21pm

Going to see "Despicable Me" with Meg Curtis, Dana Lyford and Alexis Schuette. And probs have a beer during the show b/c if you can't enjoy a beer during an animated feature then we let the terrorists win. July 24 at 1:15pm

Just got my ass handed to me by my personal trainer Tyler. "Squat like you mean it Kate!!" "... I don't think you want me to do that Tyler." July 30 at 8:04pm

Ok world, do we have to have this discussion again? Fine. The following things should not be seen in daylight: 1. Women above size 14 in skinny jeans-we've talked about this 2. Business men on recumbent bikes-I don't care if you are saving the earth, you look like a douche 3. Gauge piercings- if I can jump rope with it... you've gone too far. Shut it down. August 13 at 10:15am

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE.

There Are ALWAYS Signs: How To Tell If Your Child Is Gayer Than A Clutch Purse On Tony Night

I'd like to present exhibit A. Go ahead. Get it out of your system. I had some rather... transitional... years in my life. Let's begin with grades 1-5. Please open your hymnal to Chapter "I Went to Catholic School & Never Owned a Brush Until 1989". If you trace from 12 o'clock to 5'oclock you will see the evolution of the inner dykedom that was always laying low. From the pixie to the mullet (that stuck around for 2 years and we added blue glasses that made me look akin to "Tootsie") then we began... the perm. What I'm sure my mother thought of as an easy way to get past dealing with a surly 9 year old that it took a cataclysmic event to get me out of bed much less to brush my hair. There was a time where my mom was trying to get me to wear a dress for picture day and I was not having it (if I remember correctly I was very attached to my corduroys in an array of colors). So in protest I ran out the door wearing nothing (ok, that's a little more gay man in nature, but a sign none the less). By 6th grade I entered public school, hit puberty and since I had been attending catholic school/was fat most of my clothes were from the big women's department/my mother's closet (please see 6 o'clock to 8 o'clock)... It was like a trifecta. During said time of transition and what can only be deeply repressed bullying that I thought... you know what would make this better? I'm going to develop a weirdly deep obsession with Barbra Streisand... AND for a civics class project where we make our own country complete with rivers, cities etc. I'm going to make one entirely devoted to HER. Exhibit B: Streisland. This picture is actually from a couple of months ago. My mother still has it in her house. Shortly after that I actually wrote a short story about how I was actually Babs' daughter she had to get rid of and then we reunited. I know... I vom a little too. Then we go to aprrox 8 o'clock on the frame of shame. This was freshman year of high school. I joined a softball team and started performing with the drama club... 9 o'clock, I started entertaining people, whether we were in the middle of class or not and had earned the nickname of 'Rosie' for Rosie O'Donnell . By senior year I had ssuccessfully had 'crushes' on what are now 3 gay male friends I love dearly, but now for their shared appreciation for semi-good wine. And then I got engaged to a woman and the cat was out of the bag. HEYOOOOOO.

Welcome to the Jungle...

I say that because the first comment from most when they meet me and hear the ruminations that occur in my mind are, "I would be afraid to be inside your mind". It sounds pretty egotistical of me to say that, but trust me, my ass will always be bigger than my head. I have made a lot of posts on Facebook and the character limit has been holding me down too long. This blog is dedicated to the thoughts, encounterings (Is that even a word?! Doesn't matter. Here spelling and grammar doesn't count. In fact, more points for creativity!), cleverly changed song lyrics and customer service stories of believe it or nots from what I self-describe as a lesbian stuck in a gay man's body who is stuck in customer relation jobs that would really just like someone to hand me a mike and let me run around... and get paid for it. Run-on sentences also aren't penalized here- you will get a sticker for using penalized. Some posts may be funnier than others. Some posts may crash worse than Bret Michaels face to a set at the Tonys. See what I mean... Stay Tuned Kids.