I think, if you've been following my blog, you may have come to discover that I am, in short terms, an idiot. Now I'm not bashing my intelligence as I work in software marketing and have the ability to logically analyze problems and convey a resolution to people that build computers down to the level of competency that allows you to open a jar. I'm saying, that I have a habit of creating awkward situations... I also mentally giggle when I write analyze and I'm sure the rest of your 13 year olds out there do the same. It also doesn't help that my hearing is going. My wife has to repeat herself so many times that we may start to communicate in a series of clicks and hand gestures. With this lovely attribute about myself combined with "Kate Luck" (see http://itsallpowertoolsandshowtunes.blogspot.com/2011/08/its-called-kate-luck.html) I present a play in 1 act entitled "Awksauce".
I recently went to get my hair cut in a hole-in-the-wall salon in Dorchester. <High fives all around that I didn't get shot>. I walked in and the woman behind the desk greeted me and asked me how she could help me. I said I needed a hair cut and she started showing me back to the chairs.
...so far normal right?...
The woman made polite chitchat as we walked and then when she turned and said, "##### your ## la ### name, dear?". I swear I heard what is your last name. I quickly responded, "Curtis". She paused, looked me up and down and replied, "Well... that's different and lovely...". I paused and gave her an odd look. Curtis is different and lovely?
5 minutes had passed and she turned to get my attention from across the room and said, "Curtis, come back so I can wash your hair." It was then that I realized I am a deaf asshat. A normal person would just correct her, make light of the situation and move on. Not me. That did not pop up in my mind as a rational option. I then hung onto this story tighter than Bieber hangs onto his man bangs.
I created a whole story of how Curtis is a family name of a great grandfather who came to the US with a ticket he won in a card game (I may have watched Titanic lately). The trials and tribulations of growing up a girl with a boy name including a certain altercation that happened on a playground with a kid that got me sent to detention. Discussions of how employers can be sexist as they assume Curtis should be a boy. Why I won't just change my name to something more feminine like Kate. And finally how funny it would be if I married someone with the last name Curtis.
When we were done I went to an ATM to get cash to pay so she wouldn't look at my credit card name. Now, I could look back at this and think... you're an idiot. Or I could look back at this and imagine that that hairstylist went home that day with this great conversation in her mind and decide that her next born female should be named Curtis as she will grow up to be this amazing person in her chair...
Mental note: When I strike it rich I'm starting a trust for all girls in the Dorchester born after May 21, 2012 named Curtis and in the memo of the check I'll write, "I'm an idiot: don't watch Titanic".
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Everything You Wanted To Know About Preparing for End of Times, but Didn't Give a Crap
Let me preface this with the statement that I LOVE my mother-in-law. She's petite, she's sassy, she's generous, she proudly sports the box o' wine and she put in 50% to make my wife (I'm not actually sure that is how genetics works, but I'm Catholic so you should just be proud I actually know how babies are made and that they are not delivered like Dominoes pizza). My mother-in-law also believes in and plans for End of Times.
She has stockpiled canned goods, water, batteries and a generator. She had bottles and bottles of wine (no one said End of Times has to be completely sad). We were legit at a grocery store and she saw a 10lb bag of rice and she stopped and contemplated buying it. There are other suplies hidden in secret places that I won't divulge in as this is the interwebs, but let's just make a mental note that these exist.
This had me thinking, "Kate? What would you pack for End of Times?". Before answering myself, I complimented myself on how great my hair was looking today and asked if I had lost a few pounds (even though I KNEW I hadn't, it's just polite).
Kate's List of Needs for End of Times:
1. iPad, MacBook Pro, iPhone. Yes I know internet won't exist, but I have 3 separate games of Bejeweled going on in each device and I would be really pissed if I didn't end all things without a high score. I have the whole season of West Wing and if a generation rises from the the destruction I will label The West Wing as documentary history of our government and they will build their nation upon its teachings... a kind of Sorkin 10 Commandments if you will. Everyone will also be fit from all the walk & talks. Also, this will probably be the only time I could read Shades of Grey without looking like a tool.
2. Nutella, Coke Zero, Cheese Puffs and Box o' Wine. I guarantee that even without me hoarding these items they will all survive End of Times along with Twinkies, cockroaches and Mick Jagger.
3. My bike. I'm a horrible walker. I fall over a lot.
4. Monopoly. Maybe, with nothing else going on in the world, someone might actually finish the game without throwing the bank at the person that just sent you directly to jail again and screaming a stream of obscenities that rival Chris Rock.
5. Batman. For those of you who don't know Batman, he is one of our cats. He is the Jabba the Hut of cats, yet is extremely stealth. He can hold down a couch like none other body of mass and yet manages to pick locks into your bedroom at night (after 2 hours of body slamming the door) to sit on your head and knock every piece of matter made of glass off a surface just to tell you he's hungry (artist rendering below). But I feel, in a matter of safety, Batman would step up to the plate and protect us. Or just step up to the plate because it has food on it.
She has stockpiled canned goods, water, batteries and a generator. She had bottles and bottles of wine (no one said End of Times has to be completely sad). We were legit at a grocery store and she saw a 10lb bag of rice and she stopped and contemplated buying it. There are other suplies hidden in secret places that I won't divulge in as this is the interwebs, but let's just make a mental note that these exist.
This had me thinking, "Kate? What would you pack for End of Times?". Before answering myself, I complimented myself on how great my hair was looking today and asked if I had lost a few pounds (even though I KNEW I hadn't, it's just polite).
Kate's List of Needs for End of Times:
1. iPad, MacBook Pro, iPhone. Yes I know internet won't exist, but I have 3 separate games of Bejeweled going on in each device and I would be really pissed if I didn't end all things without a high score. I have the whole season of West Wing and if a generation rises from the the destruction I will label The West Wing as documentary history of our government and they will build their nation upon its teachings... a kind of Sorkin 10 Commandments if you will. Everyone will also be fit from all the walk & talks. Also, this will probably be the only time I could read Shades of Grey without looking like a tool.
2. Nutella, Coke Zero, Cheese Puffs and Box o' Wine. I guarantee that even without me hoarding these items they will all survive End of Times along with Twinkies, cockroaches and Mick Jagger.
3. My bike. I'm a horrible walker. I fall over a lot.
4. Monopoly. Maybe, with nothing else going on in the world, someone might actually finish the game without throwing the bank at the person that just sent you directly to jail again and screaming a stream of obscenities that rival Chris Rock.
5. Batman. For those of you who don't know Batman, he is one of our cats. He is the Jabba the Hut of cats, yet is extremely stealth. He can hold down a couch like none other body of mass and yet manages to pick locks into your bedroom at night (after 2 hours of body slamming the door) to sit on your head and knock every piece of matter made of glass off a surface just to tell you he's hungry (artist rendering below). But I feel, in a matter of safety, Batman would step up to the plate and protect us. Or just step up to the plate because it has food on it.
So when it appears that End of Times is coming (4 Horsemen, banks crashing, the Red Line functioning at perfect service) look to the highest mountain top as I will be there, like Moses, hoisting my iPad to the sky beaming an image of Sara Ramirez blasting the soundtrack from Wicked that will lead you to safety... in Bristol, CT.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
If I Delivered Your Commencement Address
Dear Class of 2012,
As we gather here today on this great lawn/auditorium/cafetorium/function hall/Elks Lodge, I look at a sea of people I could have babysat. I mean Jesus. My version of "illegally downloading music" is when you used to hold a tape recorder up to your stereo at the ready incase Z104 played that Envogue song which you would inevitably miss the first 15 seconds of and/or someone would come in the room and start talking thus messing up your track. Did you know Oregon Trail wasn't always an app on Facebook? We had to ford the river with our scurvy or dysentery. Also I never understood why you could only carry back 100 lbs of meat. Why not get one of those lazy ass kids of yours to help?
You will leave these hallowed halls/overflow trailers/internet classrooms with hopes of landing your dream job. Look, I'm gonna be straight with you. 1% of you will actually hold a job that relates to your major. The rest of you will become administrative assistants. I'm looking at you theater/communication grads. Don't go weeping into your PBR. You'll get to where you're supposed to be, but honestly, it's going to take a while. Much like Freshman year of college you will face times of being the new kid, finding your class, now meeting, goof off buddy and you will gain weight. I swear it's like life knows you crossed over some predetermined age where you're not allowed to be a cute collegiate anymore and life is determined to not let you rock cut off shorts and sorority baby Ts (just dated myself). You will follow ANY end of the day, once class now meeting, with beers. You will still have roommate's, but Sallie Mae will not be picking up the heating bill so go buy as many collegiate sweatshirts as you can before your student ID discount expires because that will now be your heating source.
Group projects don't go away with graduation. You will still have "group projects" in the real world, but now you just look like a real d-bag when you run like a 4 year old to your boss because Erwin from accounting won't stop playing CafeWorld long enough to do his Power Point slide. Take that amazing talent and morph it into a manipulative skill that sets Erwin up. I had friends in middle school that were so good at this they researched rival student's science fair project topics for RIDICULOUSLY complicated questions to ask in front of judges and teachers just to see them squirm. Vindictive? Yes. But honestly we would have all rather been playing Bejewled... or Oregon Trail. And most of them are in politics now so...
Abbrevs. Stop. Nothing makes you look like more of an asshat than sending this in an email, "We totes had that account. Obvi, IMHO, Erwin messed it up. WTF Erwin?! Evry1 else, KUTGW. TTYL143." *Note: I had to google half of these.
Foods you should stop eating now: Hot Pockets, anything in a wrap stuffed with items from more than 3 of the major food groups, anything from a vending machine/quickie-mart/street vendor. Your late 20's gastro-intestine will thank you.
If you are hipster I would like you to line up on the right side of the stage. We will be confiscating your "retro" glasses with no lenses, anything flannel (that died with Cobain), all hair products that you use a ridiculous amount of to make your hair look like you did nothing to it and any "old school" media. You look like an idiot.
Overweight girls that wear the following: baby Ts, pants with writing on the butt, sleeveless anything, white pants, and metal upper arm bands (most of you are wearing them as bracelets....). Line up behind the hipsters.
Clothing: Dress like you don't buy everything at Forever 21.
Money: Get used to not having it.
Friends: BFF is a load of shit.
Now. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. This part will be fun. You'll have your own apartment (still with roommates, but at least your fate is not in the hands of campus housing). You should probably get REALLY good at writing passive agressive notes. Then you can post them to the web, become internet famous and solve the money problem for a hot sec because we all know the possible tv show "Sh*t My Roommate's Say or Do That Inspire Passive Aggressive Notes" is going to die after the pilot.
You will succeed at something. Some of you will be amazing at-home moms- please limit your posts of "Timmy Eating Applesauce" to less than 400 pictures. Some of you will become business men/women and we will secretly hate you for your business lunches that include liquid lunch on an expense account. Some of you are going to work for the MBTA and for that I'm assuming you punched a kitten at some time in your life and this is payback.
The point is: Make friends with a really good bartender. Don't buy furniture/massage services off craigslist. Don't expect to be Director of Awesomeness and Head Blogger at your first job, but don't settle for a life of post-its and board packets.
In closing, Class of 2012, I leave you with this. Live your life like Oregon Trail. Don't be a lazy ass kid. Carry your fare share of the meat. Always be the banker. And when it comes time to write the epitaph for your tombstone make sure they use the word toot because everyone laughs at gas humor.
<drops mike to a standing ovation>
As we gather here today on this great lawn/auditorium/cafetorium/function hall/Elks Lodge, I look at a sea of people I could have babysat. I mean Jesus. My version of "illegally downloading music" is when you used to hold a tape recorder up to your stereo at the ready incase Z104 played that Envogue song which you would inevitably miss the first 15 seconds of and/or someone would come in the room and start talking thus messing up your track. Did you know Oregon Trail wasn't always an app on Facebook? We had to ford the river with our scurvy or dysentery. Also I never understood why you could only carry back 100 lbs of meat. Why not get one of those lazy ass kids of yours to help?
You will leave these hallowed halls/overflow trailers/internet classrooms with hopes of landing your dream job. Look, I'm gonna be straight with you. 1% of you will actually hold a job that relates to your major. The rest of you will become administrative assistants. I'm looking at you theater/communication grads. Don't go weeping into your PBR. You'll get to where you're supposed to be, but honestly, it's going to take a while. Much like Freshman year of college you will face times of being the new kid, finding your class, now meeting, goof off buddy and you will gain weight. I swear it's like life knows you crossed over some predetermined age where you're not allowed to be a cute collegiate anymore and life is determined to not let you rock cut off shorts and sorority baby Ts (just dated myself). You will follow ANY end of the day, once class now meeting, with beers. You will still have roommate's, but Sallie Mae will not be picking up the heating bill so go buy as many collegiate sweatshirts as you can before your student ID discount expires because that will now be your heating source.
Group projects don't go away with graduation. You will still have "group projects" in the real world, but now you just look like a real d-bag when you run like a 4 year old to your boss because Erwin from accounting won't stop playing CafeWorld long enough to do his Power Point slide. Take that amazing talent and morph it into a manipulative skill that sets Erwin up. I had friends in middle school that were so good at this they researched rival student's science fair project topics for RIDICULOUSLY complicated questions to ask in front of judges and teachers just to see them squirm. Vindictive? Yes. But honestly we would have all rather been playing Bejewled... or Oregon Trail. And most of them are in politics now so...
Abbrevs. Stop. Nothing makes you look like more of an asshat than sending this in an email, "We totes had that account. Obvi, IMHO, Erwin messed it up. WTF Erwin?! Evry1 else, KUTGW. TTYL143." *Note: I had to google half of these.
Foods you should stop eating now: Hot Pockets, anything in a wrap stuffed with items from more than 3 of the major food groups, anything from a vending machine/quickie-mart/street vendor. Your late 20's gastro-intestine will thank you.
If you are hipster I would like you to line up on the right side of the stage. We will be confiscating your "retro" glasses with no lenses, anything flannel (that died with Cobain), all hair products that you use a ridiculous amount of to make your hair look like you did nothing to it and any "old school" media. You look like an idiot.
Overweight girls that wear the following: baby Ts, pants with writing on the butt, sleeveless anything, white pants, and metal upper arm bands (most of you are wearing them as bracelets....). Line up behind the hipsters.
Clothing: Dress like you don't buy everything at Forever 21.
Money: Get used to not having it.
Friends: BFF is a load of shit.
Now. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. This part will be fun. You'll have your own apartment (still with roommates, but at least your fate is not in the hands of campus housing). You should probably get REALLY good at writing passive agressive notes. Then you can post them to the web, become internet famous and solve the money problem for a hot sec because we all know the possible tv show "Sh*t My Roommate's Say or Do That Inspire Passive Aggressive Notes" is going to die after the pilot.
You will succeed at something. Some of you will be amazing at-home moms- please limit your posts of "Timmy Eating Applesauce" to less than 400 pictures. Some of you will become business men/women and we will secretly hate you for your business lunches that include liquid lunch on an expense account. Some of you are going to work for the MBTA and for that I'm assuming you punched a kitten at some time in your life and this is payback.
The point is: Make friends with a really good bartender. Don't buy furniture/massage services off craigslist. Don't expect to be Director of Awesomeness and Head Blogger at your first job, but don't settle for a life of post-its and board packets.
In closing, Class of 2012, I leave you with this. Live your life like Oregon Trail. Don't be a lazy ass kid. Carry your fare share of the meat. Always be the banker. And when it comes time to write the epitaph for your tombstone make sure they use the word toot because everyone laughs at gas humor.
<drops mike to a standing ovation>
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