Everything You Wanted To Know About Preparing for End of Times, but Didn't Give a Crap

Let me preface this with the statement that I LOVE my mother-in-law.  She's petite, she's sassy, she's generous, she proudly sports the box o' wine and she put in 50% to make my wife (I'm not actually sure that is how genetics works, but I'm Catholic so you should just be proud I actually know how babies are made and that they are not delivered like Dominoes pizza).  My mother-in-law also believes in and plans for End of Times.

She has stockpiled canned goods, water, batteries and a generator.  She had bottles and bottles of wine (no one said End of Times has to be completely sad).  We were legit at a grocery store and she saw a 10lb bag of rice and she stopped and contemplated buying it.  There are other suplies hidden in secret places that I won't divulge in as this is the interwebs, but let's just make a mental note that these exist.

This had me thinking, "Kate?  What would you pack for End of Times?".  Before answering myself, I complimented myself on how great my hair was looking today and asked if I had lost a few pounds (even though I KNEW I hadn't, it's just polite).

Kate's List of Needs for End of Times:
1. iPad, MacBook Pro, iPhone.  Yes I know internet won't exist, but I have 3 separate games of Bejeweled going on in each device and I would be really pissed if I didn't end all things without a high score.  I have the whole season of West Wing and if a generation rises from the the destruction I will label The West Wing as documentary history of our government and they will build their nation upon its teachings... a kind of Sorkin 10 Commandments if you will.  Everyone will also be fit from all the walk & talks. Also, this will probably be the only time I could read Shades of Grey without looking like a tool.

2. Nutella, Coke Zero, Cheese Puffs and Box o' Wine.  I guarantee that even without me hoarding these items they will all survive End of Times along with Twinkies, cockroaches and Mick Jagger.

3. My bike.  I'm a horrible walker.  I fall over a lot.

4. Monopoly.  Maybe, with nothing else going on in the world, someone might actually finish the game without throwing the bank at the person that just sent you directly to jail again and screaming a stream of obscenities that rival Chris Rock.

5. Batman.  For those of you who don't know Batman, he is one of our cats.  He is the Jabba the Hut of cats, yet is extremely stealth.  He can hold down a couch like none other body of mass and yet manages to pick locks into your bedroom at night (after 2 hours of body slamming the door) to sit on your head and knock every piece of matter made of glass off a surface just to tell you he's hungry (artist rendering below).  But I feel, in a matter of safety, Batman would step up to the plate and protect us.  Or just step up to the plate because it has food on it.

So when it appears that End of Times is coming (4 Horsemen, banks crashing, the Red Line functioning at perfect service) look to the highest mountain top as I will be there, like Moses, hoisting my iPad to the sky beaming an image of Sara Ramirez blasting the soundtrack from Wicked that will lead you to safety... in Bristol, CT.

Operation: Achieve All the Things

You know me... well at least most of you reading this know me. Last year I changed my career path... and 8 months later returned to it. I got married to only person in the world that can both love me and not laugh at every joke- it makes me try harder than whipping out the tried and true twss. And since the Golden Globes last night we all saw the signs of the apocalypse:

• A blonde singer from the midwest will go all Harry Potter
• Laura Croft will achieve the same body as the children she adopts
• We will all do a spit take at Ben Kingsley's wife
• The best actress of all time will drop the S-bomb and still be the most elegant woman in the room
• The writers of "Modern Family" will prove that geeky sarcasm is hot

I have decided to make a bucket list of things I want to accomplish:

1. Find a career path that doesn't involve me wanting to stab my eye out every time a phone rings/not hear the following phrases on a daily basis "And that's why you can't see a Wagner with a husband who has incontinence" or "You have student rush, but no senior rush? That's agism!" or "Why aren't you open at 6am? I have been calling for hours to exchange my tickets... this is Lyric Stage right?". Do colleges take coupons?
2. Volunteer more. I started with The Boston Marathon- not running, the only thing that runs on me is my boxed hair dye... I mean... I'm a natural red head. I'm debating volunteering for the Wine Festival, but I think we know that could lead to a shit show of epic, Lohan, Spears proportions.
3. Read. And Playbills don't count. Also, reading books that are above the average reader age of 14. Hunger Games don't count. Hunger Games could solve world peace and make a perfect omelet. I feel we should put "May the odds be ever in your favor" in the constitution.
4. Take classes. By 2013 I want to be able to build my own app, make my own mozzarella, sail a boat on the Charles, make pottery b/c I keep losing our damn tupperware.
5. Change the world a little at a time: Talk Chenoweth out of singing country, stop playing Plants v. Zombies in staff meetings, tell more heavy women to stop tucking their shirts into their 'skinny' jeans- don't make us all look like new stuffed sausages, tell people to stop yelling at Rosie O'Donnell... we know she's an annoying angry lez, but we got this.
6. Support local shops. If that means that I have to eat all of the cheeses on farmer's market day to keep those guys in business I will. They do God's work.

This is going to be ongoing and suggestions are accepted. But let it be known, any defamation of Nutella's character will not be tolerated. Ridding one's life of that delicious nectar is a sin and, essentially, we would let the terrorist win. Yeah... think about that.

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be Tina Fey

First off, I'm sorry I've taken so long to post to my blog. I could lie to you and say it was due to overcommiting myself to society and my career, but let's be honest... I'm getting married in 1 week and Parks & Rec is on Netflix so...

Getting married is an experience. I'm not talking the ceremony, I'm talking the journey to the ceremony or as I call it, "Sooooo I shouldn't invite your personal trainer, the wine shop owner and the Starbucks barista?/For $600 this wedding dress should make me look like a Lane Bryant model (I aim low)/If the chicken dance is played, so help me God".

During all of this I turned 30 and have begun questioning my future. And by that I mean, I started out in ticketing when I was 22 to build my resume to get into marketing, but after all this time I haven't made the leap. You know you've been in ticketing too long when you refer to the first game of a double-header as "the matinee".

So where does this rambling brain dump lead me? What do I want to do? Let's look back at all the jobs I have ever wanted:
1. 3rd Grade Math teacher- I can't even balance my own checkbook, I can't be trusted not to say, "That's what she said", the words "5am" and "alarm" are considered hate speech.
2. Barbra Streisand's long lost child.... I'm not sure how that's gonna work out.
3. An actress... stop laughing.
5. Writer for SNL. So, from my estimations this is the only legal and feasible aspiration. I call upon you, my lovely readers, other than moving to Chicago to perform for 2nd City or performing stand-up in some skeasty club downtown... how can I make a career out of these ramblings that I'm currently giving away for free? (I love you guys, but a girls gotta paid in the escalade).

So, to sum things up. When planning a wedding you should remain in a constant state of inebriation, Imneed to combine all of the above jobs into a mega job.... I'm not really sure what that is... and I need to blog more and you need to spread it around like mono at a frat party.

XO,
K