An Open Letter to the Big JC

Hey Lord,

What's up? You areeeeee. Lol, I know, it's getting old. Anywhoz, I just wanted to chitter chat about a couple things with ya.

1. Can we talk about the weather in New England? It's like weather by Sybil. I know you're probs pissed at Sarah Palin for blaming it on you (ref: "It's just God hugging us closer") and then there's global warming... we don't have to get into that now... but for ser I moved up North to not sweat during the summer months like a gay republican in church and I wanted a freakin' picturesque winter wonderland during the colder months, but instead it's 40 degrees and the wind is blowing harder than William Hung's Christmas Album.

2. People who "power grunt" while running on the treadmill at the gym. I'm all for psyching up to keep yourself motivated, but if you need to holler so loudly to keep yourself going that it causes the pregnant lady on the stairmaster to start having contractions you may want to seek alternate methods.

3. Leg warmers are in fashion again.. I'm just gonna leave it at that... you know where this is headed.

4. Metabolism decreasing as we get older. It is hard enough that I am 5+ years older than most people I hang out with (and those friends that are my age or older, just claim to be in this category of friends- you'll feel better) and that most of them don't get any references to Alf, Jane Curtin, 9 to 5 or Simon and Garfunkle. That's fine. I'll deal with it. But once you pass 25 and gray hairs start growing, getting out of bed is a process as you walk like a newborn deer until 10am and eating a mini Snickers bar sends you into a spiral of weight gain that Oompa Loompa's follow you around waiting for the word to roll you away is just rough. Not cool. Can we do like a penance thing to balance this out like we do in confession? Like if I eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, but I unload the dishwasher for my parents without them asking me things could just cancel each other out? Think about, I feel all would benefit from this... especially my hips. My jeans thank you.

5. I completely agree with giving notice at a job you're leaving as it is a good professional policy to give them time to look for a replacement as well as finish up projects, but Lord? Why are the last 2 weeks always so unbearably awkward? It feels like a bad breakup with a significant other, but you still have to live with them. And then why do they take so long to tell everyone, but you aren't aloud to talk about it until they do? Everyone knows about it, but isn't talking about it. It's like a fart in church- sorry to hit so close to home... heyoooo.

6. The MBTA... ... ...

7. Lastly (at least for this letter), I would like to end on a positive note. Thank you for Tina Fey, Kristin Chenoweth, Chick-fil-a, Coke slupees, buy-one-get-ones, Netflix, SNL (1976-79, 1997-1999 and 2004-2007), Neil Patrick Harris, Idina Menzel & Taye Digg's baby (aka will be either the most beautiful/talented baby on earth or the biggest ball of hot mess since Carrie Fisher), goat cheese, Trader Joe's $3 Chuck, Aaron Sorkin (West Wing & Studio 60 should be shown to all entertainment writers so they can never say they didn't know any better when they churn out crap like 'Two and a Half Men') & anything made out of fleece.

TTYL,

K