Christmas and Sappy Movies Lead to Cheesy Something Something...

I know guys, it's been far too long since I've posted. In following this cheesy ass themed post I promise to post more. I have just watched a butt-load of Christmas movies and made-for-tv godforsaken Meredith Baxter-Burney, "I lost my child, but a Santa who looked like Jesus returned him to me at the 11th hour on Christmas eve and then a strong lumberjack of a man saved my cancer-ridden dog with the gift of song" Lifetime vommed all over it type of movies and thus comes this post.

Things I Am Grateful For

by Kate Walsh

1. Meg. I know to list her first and foremost as she splits half my rent, cooks way better baked goods than I do, loves me despite the flaming gay man I am and she can run faster than I can so in a couples challenge we would actually stand a chance in the physical fitness portion... but if by a stroke of luck we get "Explain the full story of 'Will & Grace' with verbatim quotes in character voices- I got you girl. ;) MT.

2. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I strongly stand by my belief that "30 Rock" and "Parks and Rec" could solve world hunger... oh wait.. no. My belief was that they could solve world obesity b/c they are so funny you laugh for 30 minutes and that's equivalent to doing like 150 push ups or something... I may have been a little buzzed at the time I stated that... screw it, I still stand by it.

3. Goat Cheese. Seriously... is there ANYTHING this stuff isn't good with? I want to throw big ups to Tommy and Kyle for introducing us to the big log of goat cheese covered in warm fig spread. ... ... We need to come up with a better name for that... it pretty much makes me feel like the first guy to go through the new TSA frisking services... speaking of... I wonder if that will take the place of getting my yearly breast exam...

4. Beatles on Itunes. I say this in complete jest b/c the hype that was created days before they dropped this load on us was ridiculous. So yeah, I get it. It's the Beatles. That's great, but really let's be honest. We pretty much have all the digital versions of the Beatles songs we want b/c we all have that one friend who converted all his parent's record and tapes to digital b/c mom got an ipod and has to have "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" while doing power yoga at book club.

5. A Relly Good Vacuum. Trust me... if you've ever had cats you will attest to this. No matter how much you clean there will ALWAYS be a pebble or two of kitty litter on the bathroom floor that you step on right after you take a shower. And as you angrily exit the bathroom a kitty hair tumbleweed will roll down the hall and stick to your wet leg despite the fact you shaved that little bastard balder than James Carville.




6. Kristin Chenoweth. ... ... ...













7. The MBTA. AHAHAHAHAHA no, I couldn't even keep a straight face... HEYOOOO. But seriously, how mad does Boston public transportation make you? On a scale from 1 to Chris Brown.

8. Lastly, my parents. I know I'm more known for my snarky, sassy posts, but I would like to refer to the aforementioned Baxter-Burney clause. I came out a lot later in life to my parents than I had wanted to, but after multiple times of trying to do it in person things just didn't work out. So I wrote them an email. I know, shut up, just read the excerpt from y my mom's response:
"I cried-but you knew that. Then, I thought of all kinds of irrational crap like how we dressed you in Taylor's clothes (one, because money was tight and two, you hated girly, dressy clothes). Then, I went for my walk. But, I went to the left at the end of the street instead of the right. For the first time!! And, you know what? Nothing happened, nothing was different. It was still 1.5 miles. The sun set and the moon rose and it was still friggin 91 degrees. I heard a bird in a tree singing loud and for all its worth...though it was pitch dark. And, while I was used to birds singing in the day, hearing that bird lifted my heart, it was so beautiful. And, through all of this I kept thinking everything is ok-different but ok."

Merry Whatever Makes Your Heart Happy Kiddos.

So I was trying to think of the next thing to blog about and nothing was really standing out. I'm currently "between jobs" for two days and went to the gym in the middle of the day. It's like whole new world when you go to the gym mid-day. You don't have to hoover over someone like you do when you're in line at a salad bar and they've been in front of the bacon bits building a salad with a lettuce to BB ratio akin to 1:89043 and then they walk away and all that's left are some crumbs and that stupid plastic packet that comes in things to hold out moisture, but thanks to the miracle of the interwebs we all save those in case water get's into our watches or we need to freshen up before going out so we dab a little behind the ear.... wait... oh, right. The gym. So I was on a machine that was acting a little wonky and went to report it. This leads us to the purpose of this post. Stupid, awkward and/or inappropriate things happen to me constantly. Maybe it's so I "learn life lessons" or maybe it's so "I'll stop stalking certain blond petite entertainers" or maybe it's so "I can write this blog for your entertainment... so that I can be discovered and meet certain petite blond entertainers"... whatever, you get the point. Stupid stuff happens to me.

Let me begin with a story some of you already know, but bares repeating to support my previous statements. I've had A LOT of jobs. Current employer that I begin working for tomorrow, this is in reference to Kate ages 13-21. So we're still cool. My first real job was at a McDonald's. I was not thrilled about it, but I needed a job. I should have realized how wrong this situation was by my interview. I was 16 (albeit the daughter of a high school guidance conselor so I was slightly more prepared than most) and walked into the store with a business suit and resume... we didn't interview. He made sure I had the power of speech and told me to start tomorrow. I showed up and had my 2 days of training... pictures on a cash register can be hard to decipher... you tell me the difference between a 5 ct and a 7 ct mcnugget meal in a time of haste. The third day they put me on drive through. I remember it well. It was a Saturday in late May. I was to work 9-5. 2pm rolled around and I was getting the hang of it. You had to wear a headset attached to a communication pack that hooked to your hip. When someone would pull up to the drive thru it would ding in your ear. You had to press a button to speak and release to listen... anyone who has ever buzzed an apartment door or stage managed a show has got me right now. So a car pulls up and her total to be paid is $5.93. I open the window and she begins to pull money from her purse. I stick my hand out to get it when the ding goes off in my ear that another call has pulled up. I instinctively try to grab the monies that she is giving me while trying to be a fast food worker rock star and press the button to talk. In slow motion I see the woman pouring her payment in pennies, nickles and dimes that then go streaming all over the ground and her car. In fear and frustration at what my life had already become at the ripe age of 16 I say aloud a phrase that I'm not sure can be repeated here as I want to keep these readings PGish, but it involved a goat and some level of copulation. I then see out of the corner of my eye my boss (wearing a similar headset) running at me like she's in a Die Hard film and the building behind her is about to blow. She speaks into the mic for the patron who had just heard the exclamatory statement I had just uttered through the speaker to pull around. I peered through the glass hot box of hell I had worked in all day at the car coming around the corner. I then felt my face go hot and that feeling in your stomach as if you ate chili cheese fries and you're lactose intolerant and you have no gallbladder as I started to recognize the car... it was some of the nuns from my old catholic school. I then took off the headset, stepped over the pile of change still in the hot box, walked out of McDonald's and never returned... except a week late to ask if I was going to be paid for those 2.5 days I worked. I've got class.

Another example. I was 17 and working for a bagel shop. I loved that job. Surrounded by bagels and 7 different types of cheeses all day. HEAVEN. My ass still talks about it like it was boarding school and how muenster had made her the big ass she is today. I was working on a Sunday (as some of you probably know, I should not work on Sundays- it brings out the Jersey Shore in me and I'm not even from there) and in the South it is big to go to church and then breakfast so it was extremely busy on Sundays. I was at the prep area when I took orders and made sandwiches. I saw this heinous punta come in and knew nothing was going to go well. She walked up and hand to God said she wanted a bacon, egg and cheese bagel. Now let me set the scene for you. This place is already like the floor of the New York Stock Exchange with people yelling things and making number gestures that I still have no clue what they were trying to convey. I can only assume it meant something related to some underground lox & schmear mafia. My station's only barrier from the motley crew of customers was something akin to a sneeze guard and I say that to prove this point... everything I do and touch you can see. I begin to swiftly make her sandwich and cut it and put it on a plate for her. She has watched my every move with the diligence of a waspy woman around hired help. She looks me up and down and says in a shrilled voice like Gilbert Gottfried and Rosanne procreated, "WHAT IS THIS?! THERE'S BACON ON THAT!!! I'm a vegetarian! I can't eat that". I replied, "Ma'am, you order a bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel...". With that statement made she saw that I was not even close to her level of bitchydome and I would be an easy target. She continued to scream at me and although, filled with rage much like the kind I have only felt in similar moments of public embarrassment or when West Wing went off the air, I grabbed the plate with the sandwich, ripped the bacon off, slammed it back onto the counter and said, "YOU WILL EAT IT AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!". I then turned smoothly to make a grand exit as in my mind I had won (how naive) and felt my left foot as I put it down in my leave of triumph step into pea soup that someone had spilled. I can only describe my fall as one that the physical complexities achieved can only matched by a member of Cirque du Soleil or Goofy.

There are many more of these instances in my life and I take some responsibility for the outcome as usually my mouth gets me in trouble, but someone has to be held accountable for these situations... you can't make up this stuff. And I'll end it on where I began. I went to tell one of the attendants at the gym that a machine was malfunctioning. She asked me to find out which machine section and the number of it so she could have it looked at. I went back up to report to her and she said, "Can you just tell me briefly what number machine and what's wrong?" and I replied (obviously without thinking), "Yeah, 69 is jerking on and off"... I slowly put my sunglasses on and walked out... I will no longer be attending this gym mid-day.

An Open Letter to the Big JC

Hey Lord,

What's up? You areeeeee. Lol, I know, it's getting old. Anywhoz, I just wanted to chitter chat about a couple things with ya.

1. Can we talk about the weather in New England? It's like weather by Sybil. I know you're probs pissed at Sarah Palin for blaming it on you (ref: "It's just God hugging us closer") and then there's global warming... we don't have to get into that now... but for ser I moved up North to not sweat during the summer months like a gay republican in church and I wanted a freakin' picturesque winter wonderland during the colder months, but instead it's 40 degrees and the wind is blowing harder than William Hung's Christmas Album.

2. People who "power grunt" while running on the treadmill at the gym. I'm all for psyching up to keep yourself motivated, but if you need to holler so loudly to keep yourself going that it causes the pregnant lady on the stairmaster to start having contractions you may want to seek alternate methods.

3. Leg warmers are in fashion again.. I'm just gonna leave it at that... you know where this is headed.

4. Metabolism decreasing as we get older. It is hard enough that I am 5+ years older than most people I hang out with (and those friends that are my age or older, just claim to be in this category of friends- you'll feel better) and that most of them don't get any references to Alf, Jane Curtin, 9 to 5 or Simon and Garfunkle. That's fine. I'll deal with it. But once you pass 25 and gray hairs start growing, getting out of bed is a process as you walk like a newborn deer until 10am and eating a mini Snickers bar sends you into a spiral of weight gain that Oompa Loompa's follow you around waiting for the word to roll you away is just rough. Not cool. Can we do like a penance thing to balance this out like we do in confession? Like if I eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, but I unload the dishwasher for my parents without them asking me things could just cancel each other out? Think about, I feel all would benefit from this... especially my hips. My jeans thank you.

5. I completely agree with giving notice at a job you're leaving as it is a good professional policy to give them time to look for a replacement as well as finish up projects, but Lord? Why are the last 2 weeks always so unbearably awkward? It feels like a bad breakup with a significant other, but you still have to live with them. And then why do they take so long to tell everyone, but you aren't aloud to talk about it until they do? Everyone knows about it, but isn't talking about it. It's like a fart in church- sorry to hit so close to home... heyoooo.

6. The MBTA... ... ...

7. Lastly (at least for this letter), I would like to end on a positive note. Thank you for Tina Fey, Kristin Chenoweth, Chick-fil-a, Coke slupees, buy-one-get-ones, Netflix, SNL (1976-79, 1997-1999 and 2004-2007), Neil Patrick Harris, Idina Menzel & Taye Digg's baby (aka will be either the most beautiful/talented baby on earth or the biggest ball of hot mess since Carrie Fisher), goat cheese, Trader Joe's $3 Chuck, Aaron Sorkin (West Wing & Studio 60 should be shown to all entertainment writers so they can never say they didn't know any better when they churn out crap like 'Two and a Half Men') & anything made out of fleece.

TTYL,

K

I Went To The Gym On a Holiday So Suck It

Since it is a holiday and we got places to be and things to eat... Today's post is a collective of best of Facebook posts (please overlook the egotistical nature of this post and bask in the glow of the fact I'm basically phoning this one in):

‎"I'm training for the NYC 1/2 Marathon." ... "Oh, well I'm training for the Jack Daniel's Classic 2010."

Hey crazy lady on the red line, don't harass the girl scouts selling cookies in the station... those cookie dealers are doing God's work. March 2 at 4:23pm

When you switch from working in the arts to software the words "development" and "script" no longer mean the same thing. March 18 at 2:41pm

Guys... it's Friday... I'm gonna make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here... make like a loaf of French bread and baguette... make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here. March 19 at 4:31pm

So Char and I were hanging out by the docks in Quincy today and decided if we had a boat we would name it "Your Mom". Think about it, "We spent all day scrapping the barnacles off Your Mon." Please feel free to contribute. April 3 at 5:14pm

While waiting in line for our megabus, two girls walk like they are about to cut us. Cue Meg: You know I will shank a bitch if she tries to cut us in line.

Charlotte and I on the vet visit for Batman this afternoon. Charlotte: We stormed in there with him smelling like pee and screaming, those poor vet techs. Me: That's probably what Wal-Mart workers feel everyday. May 5 at 7:36pm

You know how you want to 'like' something, but you know it's gonna be hella popular and everyone and their mom are going to comment on it and then your email will explode with comments you don't care about, but you don't want to turn off that notification b/c what if someone comments on some other witty remark you made... on your friend's page and you like having your sense of humor ego stroked? May 28 at 11:56am

God created Saturn... and he liked it... so he put a ring on it. June 2 at 9:11pm

I may not be able to attend Pride this year b/c we'll be in the Outer Banks, but I'll tell you what I will be doing on Sunday night. TONY'S. It's like the gay Super Bowl only Double Covereage is a little different. June 10 at 11:48am

Me: Guys, what if I were a DJ?
Charlotte: I could see you, "Hey guys, I know this is a rock station, but I'm gonna play a little Patti LuPone." June 28 at 10:34pm

Making sticky buns from scratch is not for the faint of heart nor for those that value sleep like it's a kid with their halloween stash and dad comes in and says, "I need to check it to make sure it's safe", but you really know he's gonna boost your Butterfingers and Fun Dip. July 1 at 5:40am

Hey. You guys remember that time we could walk outside of your apartment not sweat your makeup off in less than thirty seconds and be so drenched in sweat that it looked like you did jumping jacks in the attic, but really all you did was tie your shoe? Me too. July 18 at 10:17am

I need a good piano bar after today. Nothing fixes a crappy day better than belting a showtune while drinking the house specialty drink "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sangria". July 19 at 6:21pm

Going to see "Despicable Me" with Meg Curtis, Dana Lyford and Alexis Schuette. And probs have a beer during the show b/c if you can't enjoy a beer during an animated feature then we let the terrorists win. July 24 at 1:15pm

Just got my ass handed to me by my personal trainer Tyler. "Squat like you mean it Kate!!" "... I don't think you want me to do that Tyler." July 30 at 8:04pm

Ok world, do we have to have this discussion again? Fine. The following things should not be seen in daylight: 1. Women above size 14 in skinny jeans-we've talked about this 2. Business men on recumbent bikes-I don't care if you are saving the earth, you look like a douche 3. Gauge piercings- if I can jump rope with it... you've gone too far. Shut it down. August 13 at 10:15am

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE.

There Are ALWAYS Signs: How To Tell If Your Child Is Gayer Than A Clutch Purse On Tony Night

I'd like to present exhibit A. Go ahead. Get it out of your system. I had some rather... transitional... years in my life. Let's begin with grades 1-5. Please open your hymnal to Chapter "I Went to Catholic School & Never Owned a Brush Until 1989". If you trace from 12 o'clock to 5'oclock you will see the evolution of the inner dykedom that was always laying low. From the pixie to the mullet (that stuck around for 2 years and we added blue glasses that made me look akin to "Tootsie") then we began... the perm. What I'm sure my mother thought of as an easy way to get past dealing with a surly 9 year old that it took a cataclysmic event to get me out of bed much less to brush my hair. There was a time where my mom was trying to get me to wear a dress for picture day and I was not having it (if I remember correctly I was very attached to my corduroys in an array of colors). So in protest I ran out the door wearing nothing (ok, that's a little more gay man in nature, but a sign none the less). By 6th grade I entered public school, hit puberty and since I had been attending catholic school/was fat most of my clothes were from the big women's department/my mother's closet (please see 6 o'clock to 8 o'clock)... It was like a trifecta. During said time of transition and what can only be deeply repressed bullying that I thought... you know what would make this better? I'm going to develop a weirdly deep obsession with Barbra Streisand... AND for a civics class project where we make our own country complete with rivers, cities etc. I'm going to make one entirely devoted to HER. Exhibit B: Streisland. This picture is actually from a couple of months ago. My mother still has it in her house. Shortly after that I actually wrote a short story about how I was actually Babs' daughter she had to get rid of and then we reunited. I know... I vom a little too. Then we go to aprrox 8 o'clock on the frame of shame. This was freshman year of high school. I joined a softball team and started performing with the drama club... 9 o'clock, I started entertaining people, whether we were in the middle of class or not and had earned the nickname of 'Rosie' for Rosie O'Donnell . By senior year I had ssuccessfully had 'crushes' on what are now 3 gay male friends I love dearly, but now for their shared appreciation for semi-good wine. And then I got engaged to a woman and the cat was out of the bag. HEYOOOOOO.

Welcome to the Jungle...

I say that because the first comment from most when they meet me and hear the ruminations that occur in my mind are, "I would be afraid to be inside your mind". It sounds pretty egotistical of me to say that, but trust me, my ass will always be bigger than my head. I have made a lot of posts on Facebook and the character limit has been holding me down too long. This blog is dedicated to the thoughts, encounterings (Is that even a word?! Doesn't matter. Here spelling and grammar doesn't count. In fact, more points for creativity!), cleverly changed song lyrics and customer service stories of believe it or nots from what I self-describe as a lesbian stuck in a gay man's body who is stuck in customer relation jobs that would really just like someone to hand me a mike and let me run around... and get paid for it. Run-on sentences also aren't penalized here- you will get a sticker for using penalized. Some posts may be funnier than others. Some posts may crash worse than Bret Michaels face to a set at the Tonys. See what I mean... Stay Tuned Kids.